This is usually Kenny's territory (see; Fat People Are Beneath Contempt) but after witnessing the awfulness that is the Disaster Movie trailer I must say we need to call a cessation on all these [Insert Genre Here] Movies. Or, if only to make the writers actually earn the laughs, limit the references to the movies that, you know, actually FIT THE GENRE. Hannah Montana and Sex and the City might be topical but they have absolutely nothing to do with disaster movies and everything to do with laziness. And the poster is just stupid.
Showing posts with label Movie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Movie. Show all posts
Monday, June 23, 2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Review: Dragon Wars
"Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."
That apt quote from Billy Madison pretty much sums up how I felt after suffering through the utter shite that is Dragon Wars. I know, I know, I Netflixed a goddamn movie called Dragon Wars for Pete's sake, I got what I deserved. However, when reading the title, and even watching the previews I thought the film was going to be about, you know, FUCKING DRAGONS WARRING.
That was painfully NOT the case. Oh there was a "fight" and I'm being generous in that description, but there was no WAR. And they didn't even really look like dragons, just over grown serpents. I know Korean culture has their own mythology but you'd think they'd at least add, I dunno, legs or wings to the fucking things. Otherwise, it don't get to count.
Because there were no dragon wars in a film titled Dragon Wars, that left plenty of room for Teh Stupid, and yes, "the" is misspelled deliberately in this case. I'm not going to get into all the details of Teh Stupid, only to say that even I was slightly offended that in the beginning there was a Korean prince/warrior who was trying to protect a young Korean maiden, cut to the present and we've got Robert Forester, who, despite his mild resurgence in Jackie Brown, I still recognize as the guy from Alligator. Robert is telling this Korean legend to this little boy and for a moment I'm allowed to believe that this is going to be a Princess Bride style film where grandpa is entertaining the kiddy. That was not the case. What was the case was the absurd notion that grandpa was the reincarnation of the Korean Zen master to the little boy's reincarnation as the Korean prince/warrior. Why the director, who is Korean, did this I will not know but I didn't need another dooey-eyed white boy saves the world story.
And he didn't really save the world. The majority of the plot revolved around him and the reincarnation of the maiden, now a blond, blue-eyed native of Los Angeles, running from the giant snake (I refuse to call it anything else) to a car, the car stalling or getting into an accident, them running some more with the giant snake right behind them and apparently unable to gain enough thrust, despite it's hugeness, to run them down and eat them. They would reach another vehicle, either a car or in one case a helicopter, and something would happen to it and they'd have to get out and run away again. The film did end, thankfully, but I honestly have no recollection of what happened besides the re-incarnated white girl dying, or "ascending", and then a "good" giant snake flying around in the air for no apparent reason as the white boy looked on in awe. Perhaps it was too much shitty for my poor brain and I blocked it out.
You could guess that at a certain point I gave up on this film, and you'd be right. It was an incredible waste of time and I can't believe I re-activated my Netflix subscription for it. Well, at least I have Hitman to look forward to.
That apt quote from Billy Madison pretty much sums up how I felt after suffering through the utter shite that is Dragon Wars. I know, I know, I Netflixed a goddamn movie called Dragon Wars for Pete's sake, I got what I deserved. However, when reading the title, and even watching the previews I thought the film was going to be about, you know, FUCKING DRAGONS WARRING.
That was painfully NOT the case. Oh there was a "fight" and I'm being generous in that description, but there was no WAR. And they didn't even really look like dragons, just over grown serpents. I know Korean culture has their own mythology but you'd think they'd at least add, I dunno, legs or wings to the fucking things. Otherwise, it don't get to count.
Because there were no dragon wars in a film titled Dragon Wars, that left plenty of room for Teh Stupid, and yes, "the" is misspelled deliberately in this case. I'm not going to get into all the details of Teh Stupid, only to say that even I was slightly offended that in the beginning there was a Korean prince/warrior who was trying to protect a young Korean maiden, cut to the present and we've got Robert Forester, who, despite his mild resurgence in Jackie Brown, I still recognize as the guy from Alligator. Robert is telling this Korean legend to this little boy and for a moment I'm allowed to believe that this is going to be a Princess Bride style film where grandpa is entertaining the kiddy. That was not the case. What was the case was the absurd notion that grandpa was the reincarnation of the Korean Zen master to the little boy's reincarnation as the Korean prince/warrior. Why the director, who is Korean, did this I will not know but I didn't need another dooey-eyed white boy saves the world story.
And he didn't really save the world. The majority of the plot revolved around him and the reincarnation of the maiden, now a blond, blue-eyed native of Los Angeles, running from the giant snake (I refuse to call it anything else) to a car, the car stalling or getting into an accident, them running some more with the giant snake right behind them and apparently unable to gain enough thrust, despite it's hugeness, to run them down and eat them. They would reach another vehicle, either a car or in one case a helicopter, and something would happen to it and they'd have to get out and run away again. The film did end, thankfully, but I honestly have no recollection of what happened besides the re-incarnated white girl dying, or "ascending", and then a "good" giant snake flying around in the air for no apparent reason as the white boy looked on in awe. Perhaps it was too much shitty for my poor brain and I blocked it out.
You could guess that at a certain point I gave up on this film, and you'd be right. It was an incredible waste of time and I can't believe I re-activated my Netflix subscription for it. Well, at least I have Hitman to look forward to.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Balls of Crap is More Like It
I some way, some how put Balls of Fury into my Netflix queue and I have no idea why. Perhaps at some point I had the thought it might be worth watching put it there and forgot to ever take it out. I usually don't look into my queue unless I'm adding films. Okay, enough excuses, but let me just say I was surprised when I got my recent set of films and Balls was one of them.
The film is awful, that's all that really needs to be said. I didn't laugh once throughout the whole thing and it seemed like it was trying desperately to be the next Dodgeball (a film I did find enjoyable, if only for the stupidity). But there's no stupidity to find amusing in Balls, especially since you see every single scene worth seeing in the previews. Quite frankly, I was happy when it was over and I stopped it before it got to the end credits. Save your intelligence and your time.
The film is awful, that's all that really needs to be said. I didn't laugh once throughout the whole thing and it seemed like it was trying desperately to be the next Dodgeball (a film I did find enjoyable, if only for the stupidity). But there's no stupidity to find amusing in Balls, especially since you see every single scene worth seeing in the previews. Quite frankly, I was happy when it was over and I stopped it before it got to the end credits. Save your intelligence and your time.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
To Sarah, Re: Point Break Live
It seems one commenter I never knew I had has taken issue with my post on Point Break Live! Here's what "sarah" had to say:
Sorry, I'm absolutely fed up with the Keanu-bashing bullshit.
Kudos to you for seeing a joke in this, but all I see is Keanu struggling for the past 25 years working hard to be taken even a little bit seriously, while everyone else only concentrates on his less-than-great roles.
I don't want to be adding any more roadblocks in his path by seeing this.
Um, sarah, I hope this is a joke, but in case it isn't, allow me to retort:
"Roadblocks in his path?" Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, Jesus, Mary and Joseph, it's a SPOOF. It's a SPOOF of a film that's seventeen years old, and quite frankly was begging for satire. Not only that, but Keanu isn't the only one being spoofed, EVERYONE ELSE INVOLVED IN THE FILM IS AS WELL, from the director, to the cast, right down to the writer. This play won't have ANY affect on Keanu Reeves career. He makes between 10-15 million a picture now with one coming out in a few weeks, trust me, he's being taken seriously.
Kathryn Bigelow, the woman most responsible for the film, and one, if you recall, has an actress playing her, has even seen the play and she LOVED it. I don't know if Keanu has seen it but I doubt his feelings would be hurt.
I never bashed Keanu Reeves, sarah, and no one in the play bashes Keanu Reeves, they're poking fun at a CHARACTER who's name is JOHNNY FUCKING UTAH, who works for the FBI and has to SURF in order to catch criminals who dress up as the presidents of the United States and rob banks. So please, do us all a favor and calm the fuck down.
Sorry, I'm absolutely fed up with the Keanu-bashing bullshit.
Kudos to you for seeing a joke in this, but all I see is Keanu struggling for the past 25 years working hard to be taken even a little bit seriously, while everyone else only concentrates on his less-than-great roles.
I don't want to be adding any more roadblocks in his path by seeing this.
Um, sarah, I hope this is a joke, but in case it isn't, allow me to retort:
"Roadblocks in his path?" Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, Jesus, Mary and Joseph, it's a SPOOF. It's a SPOOF of a film that's seventeen years old, and quite frankly was begging for satire. Not only that, but Keanu isn't the only one being spoofed, EVERYONE ELSE INVOLVED IN THE FILM IS AS WELL, from the director, to the cast, right down to the writer. This play won't have ANY affect on Keanu Reeves career. He makes between 10-15 million a picture now with one coming out in a few weeks, trust me, he's being taken seriously.
Kathryn Bigelow, the woman most responsible for the film, and one, if you recall, has an actress playing her, has even seen the play and she LOVED it. I don't know if Keanu has seen it but I doubt his feelings would be hurt.
I never bashed Keanu Reeves, sarah, and no one in the play bashes Keanu Reeves, they're poking fun at a CHARACTER who's name is JOHNNY FUCKING UTAH, who works for the FBI and has to SURF in order to catch criminals who dress up as the presidents of the United States and rob banks. So please, do us all a favor and calm the fuck down.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Point Break Live!
Those of you who know me from way back, that probably being only Lovey at this point, know that I have a mad, obsessive, almost inexplicable crush on Keanu Reeves. It's spanned a good portion of my life, and every second of my adolescence and teenage years. I've seen every film he's been in, going as far as to buy used VHS tapes of his earlier films, The Night Before, and Prince of Pennsylvania, true gems of cinema and totally worth the three dollars plus shipping and handling fees.
What brought me to this obsession with one of the finest, if not the best, actor of our generation? The film Point Break.
If you've seen Point Break, you need no explanation of its awesomeness. If you haven't, then I can only recommend that you rent it and experience the pure adrenaline rush that can only come from a film whose protagonist is named Johnny Utah and the antagonist Bhodi. I speak from experience when I say it's a life changing experience.
Which brings me to the fun I had this past weekend, partaking in what is quickly becoming a hot spot in Downtown L.A., called "Point Break Live!" It is what it says it is, a live rendition of the film Point Break. I was skeptical at first, but a few friends talked me into going and I must say, it was the most fun I've had all year and the most fun theater experience.
They have an actress playing director Kathryn Bigelow, and every performance she "auditions" people for the esteemed role of Johnny Utah. That's right, she picks them straight from the audience of the night and the fun multiplies from there. Once the "actor" is chosen, there's a P.A. (also an actress and the show's Johnny Utah stunt double) who has the Utah actor read from cue cards. This may sound bad, but I assure you it's not. I assure you it's a damn good time.
The stage is set up so that you're pretty much apart of the action whether you want to be or not. The actors playing the four presidents (if you don't know what I'm talking about then really, go see the film) run around in the audience stealing the fake money you get when you arrive. I was on my way to get another beer during one of these "heists" when one of them accosted me and made a kissy noise. It was weird and fun. At one point they also took out water guns and sprayed everyone down, which was fine since we'd been given cheap dollar ponchos to protect ourselves.
All around it was a good time, the bar is close to the stage and nothing enhances a good time like drinking! (unless you have a drinking problem, then that's not so fun) and it was relatively cheap fun in L.A. (tix only $20). Highly recoomended if you like theater (absurd or regular), surfing, movie spoofs, men in drag for no apparent reason, Keanu Reeves or fun.
What brought me to this obsession with one of the finest, if not the best, actor of our generation? The film Point Break.
If you've seen Point Break, you need no explanation of its awesomeness. If you haven't, then I can only recommend that you rent it and experience the pure adrenaline rush that can only come from a film whose protagonist is named Johnny Utah and the antagonist Bhodi. I speak from experience when I say it's a life changing experience.
Which brings me to the fun I had this past weekend, partaking in what is quickly becoming a hot spot in Downtown L.A., called "Point Break Live!" It is what it says it is, a live rendition of the film Point Break. I was skeptical at first, but a few friends talked me into going and I must say, it was the most fun I've had all year and the most fun theater experience.
They have an actress playing director Kathryn Bigelow, and every performance she "auditions" people for the esteemed role of Johnny Utah. That's right, she picks them straight from the audience of the night and the fun multiplies from there. Once the "actor" is chosen, there's a P.A. (also an actress and the show's Johnny Utah stunt double) who has the Utah actor read from cue cards. This may sound bad, but I assure you it's not. I assure you it's a damn good time.
The stage is set up so that you're pretty much apart of the action whether you want to be or not. The actors playing the four presidents (if you don't know what I'm talking about then really, go see the film) run around in the audience stealing the fake money you get when you arrive. I was on my way to get another beer during one of these "heists" when one of them accosted me and made a kissy noise. It was weird and fun. At one point they also took out water guns and sprayed everyone down, which was fine since we'd been given cheap dollar ponchos to protect ourselves.
All around it was a good time, the bar is close to the stage and nothing enhances a good time like drinking! (unless you have a drinking problem, then that's not so fun) and it was relatively cheap fun in L.A. (tix only $20). Highly recoomended if you like theater (absurd or regular), surfing, movie spoofs, men in drag for no apparent reason, Keanu Reeves or fun.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Black Sheep
If you recall, this gem was one of the reasons I reactivated my Netflix account, because I just couldn't go another day without seeing for myself exactly what "weresheep" (think "werewolf" only they go "baa") were.
Well, as it turns out, I could.
I watched this and my god, I don't remember yelling "WTF" so many time through a movie. This even beat Spider-Man 3 for my whiskey tango foxtrot outbursts. There were some decent special effects, but man, those Kiwis are either imaginative beyond our capabilities or they need to lay off whatever it is that makes them come up with crap like this.
While I did watch the film, the only thing my brain can allow me to comprehend is that sheep who were experimented on go bad (when don't they) are eating people. One vegan hippie gets separated from his extreme vegan hippie girlfriend and gets himself bit by one of these weresheep and turns into a weresheep himself (when don't they). All hell breaks loose when a few other experimental sheep get loose in this quite little village (when doesn't hell break loose in one of these films, really now) and sheep start eating motherfuckers.
This sounds funny. It should have been funny. Sadly, it was only funny in spurts.
Naturally, as it happens in films like these, all hell breaks loose during a mass gathering, this time a company presentation by head Evil Scientist Guy, who should have known better than to fuck with Mother Nature but what can you expect from Evil Scientist Guys? If they have to fuck with something might as well be Mother Nature, consequences to humanity be damned.
While I don't feel like I wasted an hour and a half out of my life, I wouldn't mind if the filmmakers offered me a refund of my time and mental effort.
Well, as it turns out, I could.
I watched this and my god, I don't remember yelling "WTF" so many time through a movie. This even beat Spider-Man 3 for my whiskey tango foxtrot outbursts. There were some decent special effects, but man, those Kiwis are either imaginative beyond our capabilities or they need to lay off whatever it is that makes them come up with crap like this.
While I did watch the film, the only thing my brain can allow me to comprehend is that sheep who were experimented on go bad (when don't they) are eating people. One vegan hippie gets separated from his extreme vegan hippie girlfriend and gets himself bit by one of these weresheep and turns into a weresheep himself (when don't they). All hell breaks loose when a few other experimental sheep get loose in this quite little village (when doesn't hell break loose in one of these films, really now) and sheep start eating motherfuckers.
This sounds funny. It should have been funny. Sadly, it was only funny in spurts.
Naturally, as it happens in films like these, all hell breaks loose during a mass gathering, this time a company presentation by head Evil Scientist Guy, who should have known better than to fuck with Mother Nature but what can you expect from Evil Scientist Guys? If they have to fuck with something might as well be Mother Nature, consequences to humanity be damned.
While I don't feel like I wasted an hour and a half out of my life, I wouldn't mind if the filmmakers offered me a refund of my time and mental effort.
Monday, March 3, 2008
It's the Walking Away That Does It For Me
Right after he destroys that tank. I could watch him walk away repeatedly. I say that because I have. While I feel the trailer is showing me a little bit too much (I have a nagging fear they're throwing everything in from the film)I will be in line front and center, ready, willing and ever able to hand over my hard earned cash come Memorial Day weekend.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Hold On a Minute...
Jamie Foxx has played the following real life people:
Ray Charles (Ray), Tookie Williams (Redemption: The Stan Tookie Williams Story), "Curtis Taylor Jr." a.k.a. Barry Gordy (Dreamgirls) and is already filming as Nathaniel Ayers in The Soloist. On his upcoming slate he's scheduled to play the following: Earl Sanders, Bob Marley and now possibly Mike Tyson.
Jeebus. Either he's really good at playing real people or Hollywood forgot there are other black men in Hollywood.
Hell, Denzel Washington got how many biopics, two?
Ray Charles (Ray), Tookie Williams (Redemption: The Stan Tookie Williams Story), "Curtis Taylor Jr." a.k.a. Barry Gordy (Dreamgirls) and is already filming as Nathaniel Ayers in The Soloist. On his upcoming slate he's scheduled to play the following: Earl Sanders, Bob Marley and now possibly Mike Tyson.
Jeebus. Either he's really good at playing real people or Hollywood forgot there are other black men in Hollywood.
Hell, Denzel Washington got how many biopics, two?
Thursday, February 21, 2008
OKAY, I GET IT!!
His name is Charlie Bartlett, there, are you happy? I know his name, now please stop playing those damn commercials promoting that movie where absolutely EVERYONE says "Charlie Bartlett" every three seconds.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Observation: Definitely, Maybe Not
While watching the Grammy's and keeping my tally (thus far, one black artist has thanked god), I saw a preview for the film Definitely, Maybe, starring the once uber muscled Ryan Reynolds as a dad telling his daughter the bedtime story of how he met her mother. The thing with this film is that the girl apparently doesn't know who her mother is, so it's her job to figure out which one of daddy's girlfriends is his baby momma out of three possible candidates.
What got me when I saw the trailer to this is why the fuck doesn't this kid know who her mother is? Unless you're abandoned at birth isn't that kind of hard? If the mom's died why are there no pictures? If the dad's getting a divorce, well, that's an obvious question. My friend and I went through various situations and all of them lead back to the kid should know who her momma is, unless the mom ran off after the birth and the dad was so upset he just never told her, which is a kind of assholish thing of him to do. The kid should know who her mom is is what I'm saying.
As I caught another preview for the film that thought popped in my mind again, and I thought it would have been more believable for a child to figure out who their father is, but immediately after I had that thought I realized how impossible a film like that would be to get made, because, while Ryan Reynolds can have a relationship with three different women at various times and could get one pregnant at any while not being with the other two, the reverse would basically be a mother telling her kid that she had sex with three dudes during the same time period. And that would make her a slut and we just can't have that. Ryan Reynold's being a slut is perfectly acceptable but as far as we've come we just can't have women having sexual relations with three different guys unless there's an acceptable space, like, say a year, between them.
I won't be seeing Definitely, Maybe for the answer to my question, but I'm sure someone will tell me how the writer designed it so the kid doesn't know who her mother is.
What got me when I saw the trailer to this is why the fuck doesn't this kid know who her mother is? Unless you're abandoned at birth isn't that kind of hard? If the mom's died why are there no pictures? If the dad's getting a divorce, well, that's an obvious question. My friend and I went through various situations and all of them lead back to the kid should know who her momma is, unless the mom ran off after the birth and the dad was so upset he just never told her, which is a kind of assholish thing of him to do. The kid should know who her mom is is what I'm saying.
As I caught another preview for the film that thought popped in my mind again, and I thought it would have been more believable for a child to figure out who their father is, but immediately after I had that thought I realized how impossible a film like that would be to get made, because, while Ryan Reynolds can have a relationship with three different women at various times and could get one pregnant at any while not being with the other two, the reverse would basically be a mother telling her kid that she had sex with three dudes during the same time period. And that would make her a slut and we just can't have that. Ryan Reynold's being a slut is perfectly acceptable but as far as we've come we just can't have women having sexual relations with three different guys unless there's an acceptable space, like, say a year, between them.
I won't be seeing Definitely, Maybe for the answer to my question, but I'm sure someone will tell me how the writer designed it so the kid doesn't know who her mother is.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
No Bit
I had the pleasure, or eventual lack thereof, to watch Norbit last night before I bleached my brain with a night out at a MOCA show.
I admit I laughed a bit in the beginning, and every single time I covered my mouth, surprised at myself. Perhaps there was something in my brain that new later on I'd regret laughing in the first place.
To say Norbit is mean would be an understatement. It's a film that thinks awful of just about everybody, so maybe I should be happy about that. However it seems to take most of its hatred out on fat black women, who don't have enough awful stereotypes about them. You see, Norbit, who's an idiot savant without the savant, is a put upon skinny man who is strongholded into a marriage with Rasputia, that's right, her name is a play on Rasputin, get it? Har har har.
If you didn't get her evilness from her name then you get it from her actions, whether she's verbally or physically abusing Norbit. I don't know, perhaps in another film, spousal abuse would be funny. But just because it's woman on man abuse doesn't make it so, it just makes it sad.
If it's not Rasputia who's being awful then it's the horrific Chinese caricature Mr. Wong played by Eddie Murphy himself. This portrayal of yellowface only stems to serve the belief that black people can get away with racist behavior that white people cannot. Had a white person been in black face talking about chicken and watermelon, all hell would have broken loose and rightfully so. So why is it okay for Murphy to do it?
The film is tedious overall and not really funny. Norbit finds salvation from his wife in the form of Thandi Newton though why on Earth she's in this film is beyond me. From the look of the sets I can't believe this film cost more than 40 million so I can't believe that she got paid much. Murphy is the real criminal here, because until I saw the credits I was lead to believe that this was just another horrible opportunity for him to dress in fat drag he'd stumbled upon and then I saw that he not only came up with the story (with brother Charles, "Charlie Murphy! Murphy), but he co-wrote the script and produced this mess. Which makes his Oscar loss justifiable for me.
I know, I know; Norbit shouldn't have any bearing
on the work he did on Dreamgirls but this really just goes to show that for actors, what works usually come after they win the Oscar show that they probably shouldn't have gotten it in the first place. None more so than Halle Berry and Cuba Gooding Jr. I'd bet money that had Catwoman/Perfect Strangers come out before the Oscars she might not have been able to get up there and perform her crying. Ditto for Gooding Jr. and Snow Dogs. The same would go for Charlize Theron and "Aeon Flux," And I'm pretty sure everyone understands Kim Basinger's win for L.A. Confidential was a total fluke.
Maybe that should be a rule from now on, you don't get your Oscar until they see what's coming behind it. Because at least in the case of Murphy, people didn't like what came before it.
I admit I laughed a bit in the beginning, and every single time I covered my mouth, surprised at myself. Perhaps there was something in my brain that new later on I'd regret laughing in the first place.
To say Norbit is mean would be an understatement. It's a film that thinks awful of just about everybody, so maybe I should be happy about that. However it seems to take most of its hatred out on fat black women, who don't have enough awful stereotypes about them. You see, Norbit, who's an idiot savant without the savant, is a put upon skinny man who is strongholded into a marriage with Rasputia, that's right, her name is a play on Rasputin, get it? Har har har.
If you didn't get her evilness from her name then you get it from her actions, whether she's verbally or physically abusing Norbit. I don't know, perhaps in another film, spousal abuse would be funny. But just because it's woman on man abuse doesn't make it so, it just makes it sad.
If it's not Rasputia who's being awful then it's the horrific Chinese caricature Mr. Wong played by Eddie Murphy himself. This portrayal of yellowface only stems to serve the belief that black people can get away with racist behavior that white people cannot. Had a white person been in black face talking about chicken and watermelon, all hell would have broken loose and rightfully so. So why is it okay for Murphy to do it?
The film is tedious overall and not really funny. Norbit finds salvation from his wife in the form of Thandi Newton though why on Earth she's in this film is beyond me. From the look of the sets I can't believe this film cost more than 40 million so I can't believe that she got paid much. Murphy is the real criminal here, because until I saw the credits I was lead to believe that this was just another horrible opportunity for him to dress in fat drag he'd stumbled upon and then I saw that he not only came up with the story (with brother Charles, "Charlie Murphy! Murphy), but he co-wrote the script and produced this mess. Which makes his Oscar loss justifiable for me.
I know, I know; Norbit shouldn't have any bearing
on the work he did on Dreamgirls but this really just goes to show that for actors, what works usually come after they win the Oscar show that they probably shouldn't have gotten it in the first place. None more so than Halle Berry and Cuba Gooding Jr. I'd bet money that had Catwoman/Perfect Strangers come out before the Oscars she might not have been able to get up there and perform her crying. Ditto for Gooding Jr. and Snow Dogs. The same would go for Charlize Theron and "Aeon Flux," And I'm pretty sure everyone understands Kim Basinger's win for L.A. Confidential was a total fluke.
Maybe that should be a rule from now on, you don't get your Oscar until they see what's coming behind it. Because at least in the case of Murphy, people didn't like what came before it.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Movie Premier Update
So it seems like Leonardo DiCaprio was at the movie premiere after all and I missed seeing him.
I'm heartbroken. No, really. I am. My heart is leaking out of my body as we speak. It hurts a little, but I know it's my fault.
I'm heartbroken. No, really. I am. My heart is leaking out of my body as we speak. It hurts a little, but I know it's my fault.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
My First MoviePremiere
Well, the first one I saw I should say. Let's hope that my first movie premiere that I'm involved in is still on the horizon.
I was at the gym and across the street they were having the premiere for this film, which, looking at it means I probably didn't miss much. Unless Leonardo DiCaprio was there but I doubt that judging from the small crowd of screaming girls. It seemed relatively tame and there wasn't that much security so I'm to guess that paparazzi and young girls don't care too much about the environment.
I was at the gym and across the street they were having the premiere for this film, which, looking at it means I probably didn't miss much. Unless Leonardo DiCaprio was there but I doubt that judging from the small crowd of screaming girls. It seemed relatively tame and there wasn't that much security so I'm to guess that paparazzi and young girls don't care too much about the environment.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Film Review: The Bourne Ultimatum
To bad this is probably the last in the Bourne franchise 'cause they really do get better and better.
I saw this at sold out show on Saturday and it was great fun with very little downtime throughout the film. It really does jump from action scene to action scene but unlike Transformers there's an actual story and plot and my god I found myself caring about the characters.
I don't want to give too much away that would spoil the fun but in this *final* installment we find Bourne closing in on just what exactly happened to him to turn him from the kid named David Webb from MO (look at Missouri, producing bad ass assassins) into hard driving, always escaping, beat your ass with a rolled up magazine Jason Bourne (and if you haven't seen The Bourne Supremacy, please do, that magazine bit was the shit). He's in a race with his former bosses from the CIA, including Joan Allen as Pamela Landy, who may or may not be on his side, to find a CIA mole who knows the origin of Jason Bourne. What I like most about these films is that they somehow managed to get all of the cast back so even though the films are years apart it really feels like they were made back to back and someone was thankfully paying attention to continuity.
The action set pieces are some of the best I've seen in years. I thought it would be hard to top the rolled up magazine, however this installment finds Bourne kicking ass and taking names with a book. Hell's yeah. The great action set pieces were met with either audience applause or muted, "Oh my gods" which is always a good sign for action films. My only real compliant with this film, and the series overall, is that the action is filmed with a hand held camera instead of a steady cam. I know this is supposed to pull the audience into feeling like they're there, however it's just confusing and you can't really see what's going on when the fighting gets intense. Aside from that, it was great.
I saw this at sold out show on Saturday and it was great fun with very little downtime throughout the film. It really does jump from action scene to action scene but unlike Transformers there's an actual story and plot and my god I found myself caring about the characters.
I don't want to give too much away that would spoil the fun but in this *final* installment we find Bourne closing in on just what exactly happened to him to turn him from the kid named David Webb from MO (look at Missouri, producing bad ass assassins) into hard driving, always escaping, beat your ass with a rolled up magazine Jason Bourne (and if you haven't seen The Bourne Supremacy, please do, that magazine bit was the shit). He's in a race with his former bosses from the CIA, including Joan Allen as Pamela Landy, who may or may not be on his side, to find a CIA mole who knows the origin of Jason Bourne. What I like most about these films is that they somehow managed to get all of the cast back so even though the films are years apart it really feels like they were made back to back and someone was thankfully paying attention to continuity.
The action set pieces are some of the best I've seen in years. I thought it would be hard to top the rolled up magazine, however this installment finds Bourne kicking ass and taking names with a book. Hell's yeah. The great action set pieces were met with either audience applause or muted, "Oh my gods" which is always a good sign for action films. My only real compliant with this film, and the series overall, is that the action is filmed with a hand held camera instead of a steady cam. I know this is supposed to pull the audience into feeling like they're there, however it's just confusing and you can't really see what's going on when the fighting gets intense. Aside from that, it was great.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Movie Review: Sunshine
I saw Danny Boyle's Sunshine on Friday and for the most part I freakin' loved that film. My problem comes from most people's problem with the film, the third act. But we'll get to that in a minute.
The first two acts are done wonderfully. Sunshine is set about 50 years in our future when the sun is dying out. A second team of scientists are sent with a nuclear payload the size of Manhattan to deliver to the heart of the sun in order to restart it. Yes, the plot is a bit fantastical but so was 2001: A Space Odyssey. I point out a second team was sent but that's because a first team was lost and hadn't been heard from in seven years. Both teams are aptly named Icarus (I and II)but the names don't feel like they're hitting you over the head if they weren't so appropriate.
The team of the Icarus II consists of a nice mix of ethnicities, though there wasn't one black team member which makes me think either Boyle doesn't believe black people make good scientists or that if asked a black person would respond to the request of being shot into space for seven years with a "Fuck you, whitey." We are introduced to each character very quickly and this, much like the original Alien, and even, dare I say it, Predator, should be a study in how to get a character's personality across quickly. There's the Mauian guy who's obvisously becoming an addict to exposure to sunlight (as can be tracked through out the film with his ever peeling sunburnt face), the hot headed jock scientists played by the hot Chris Evans, who is quickly and mercifully removed from his god awful long haired "wig" which looks like it was taken directly from the set of his previous film London. There's the sensitive scientist played by Boyle favorite Cillian Murphy, and -- had this been any other film-- the obvious love interest played by Rose Byrne.
The captain of the ship, The Last Samurai's Hiroyuki Sanada, doesn't get enough screen time for me but Michelle Yeoh makes up for that with her botanist. Why does a space ship need a botanist? Because it needs oxygen, which I felt was, as far as I know, an original idea that a ship wouldn't just be recycling it's oxygen (though it does recycle the water). I know normal airplanes can recycle oxygen, however at most an airplane would fly for 16 hours, not seven years. It's a nice touch is what I'm saying.
Once we know all the characters we get into the heart of the second act: the discovery that the Icarus I is still intact and sending out a distress beacon. Here's where the debate begins for the characters and I was glad to see that there was a character who had enough common sense to know that going off mission would be a damn stupid idea. He spoke out about it very passionately, however he was overruled. At this point the viewer should know that it's not going to end well, and I found myself going, "no, no, no, no" though if they didn't go off mission then we wouldn't have a film.
So they go off mission and find the Icarus I, though it's not what they were expecting to find and it turns out going off the original mission was for naught. At this point I wanted to yell, "I told you so!" but I had to keep my blackness in check as I was in the Arclight theater and they don't take to kindly to talking (which is why I pay the extra three bucks to go in the first place).
I could go on about act two, however it would be full of spoilers. Just know that as expected when you do something you're not supposed to shit goes horribly, terribly, wrong. There are some really cool deaths though, one involving extreme heat and the other involving extreme cold. Don't even use your imagination, just go see it.
HOWEVER, be warned that the third act comes out of nowhere and is dependent on very smart people doing very stupid things, like standing around gawking when they should be subduing an enemy with a baseball bat to the head. Did I just say that out loud? Probably.
Despite the third act Sunshine has got to be one of the better, if not best, Sci-Fi films I've seen in years. It's an amalgam of a few other Science Fiction pieces, most notably echoing Event Horizon, which I happen to like. It's well worth seeing in theaters, as the visuals are some of the most stunning I've seen and I don't know how they'll translate onto the small screen (unless you're one of those HD people) also of note is the awesome soundtrack, which had me running across the street to Amoeba Records to buy only to find it's not out yet. That's significant 'cause I haven't bought a new CD in years.
Basically what I'm saying is go see it, I highly recommend it.
The first two acts are done wonderfully. Sunshine is set about 50 years in our future when the sun is dying out. A second team of scientists are sent with a nuclear payload the size of Manhattan to deliver to the heart of the sun in order to restart it. Yes, the plot is a bit fantastical but so was 2001: A Space Odyssey. I point out a second team was sent but that's because a first team was lost and hadn't been heard from in seven years. Both teams are aptly named Icarus (I and II)but the names don't feel like they're hitting you over the head if they weren't so appropriate.
The team of the Icarus II consists of a nice mix of ethnicities, though there wasn't one black team member which makes me think either Boyle doesn't believe black people make good scientists or that if asked a black person would respond to the request of being shot into space for seven years with a "Fuck you, whitey." We are introduced to each character very quickly and this, much like the original Alien, and even, dare I say it, Predator, should be a study in how to get a character's personality across quickly. There's the Mauian guy who's obvisously becoming an addict to exposure to sunlight (as can be tracked through out the film with his ever peeling sunburnt face), the hot headed jock scientists played by the hot Chris Evans, who is quickly and mercifully removed from his god awful long haired "wig" which looks like it was taken directly from the set of his previous film London. There's the sensitive scientist played by Boyle favorite Cillian Murphy, and -- had this been any other film-- the obvious love interest played by Rose Byrne.
The captain of the ship, The Last Samurai's Hiroyuki Sanada, doesn't get enough screen time for me but Michelle Yeoh makes up for that with her botanist. Why does a space ship need a botanist? Because it needs oxygen, which I felt was, as far as I know, an original idea that a ship wouldn't just be recycling it's oxygen (though it does recycle the water). I know normal airplanes can recycle oxygen, however at most an airplane would fly for 16 hours, not seven years. It's a nice touch is what I'm saying.
Once we know all the characters we get into the heart of the second act: the discovery that the Icarus I is still intact and sending out a distress beacon. Here's where the debate begins for the characters and I was glad to see that there was a character who had enough common sense to know that going off mission would be a damn stupid idea. He spoke out about it very passionately, however he was overruled. At this point the viewer should know that it's not going to end well, and I found myself going, "no, no, no, no" though if they didn't go off mission then we wouldn't have a film.
So they go off mission and find the Icarus I, though it's not what they were expecting to find and it turns out going off the original mission was for naught. At this point I wanted to yell, "I told you so!" but I had to keep my blackness in check as I was in the Arclight theater and they don't take to kindly to talking (which is why I pay the extra three bucks to go in the first place).
I could go on about act two, however it would be full of spoilers. Just know that as expected when you do something you're not supposed to shit goes horribly, terribly, wrong. There are some really cool deaths though, one involving extreme heat and the other involving extreme cold. Don't even use your imagination, just go see it.
HOWEVER, be warned that the third act comes out of nowhere and is dependent on very smart people doing very stupid things, like standing around gawking when they should be subduing an enemy with a baseball bat to the head. Did I just say that out loud? Probably.
Despite the third act Sunshine has got to be one of the better, if not best, Sci-Fi films I've seen in years. It's an amalgam of a few other Science Fiction pieces, most notably echoing Event Horizon, which I happen to like. It's well worth seeing in theaters, as the visuals are some of the most stunning I've seen and I don't know how they'll translate onto the small screen (unless you're one of those HD people) also of note is the awesome soundtrack, which had me running across the street to Amoeba Records to buy only to find it's not out yet. That's significant 'cause I haven't bought a new CD in years.
Basically what I'm saying is go see it, I highly recommend it.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Movie Reviews: Two For One
I saw Kasi Lemmons' Talk to Me as well as Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and I liked both of them but I liked Talk, a whole lot more.
Talk to Me is the story of Ralph Waldo "Petey" Greene, a D.C. radio D.J played by Don Cheadle. I love Cheadle as an actor, and I have since I caught Picket Fences reruns on FX (I will admit I didn't watch Fences when it originally aired on CBS) played wonderfully by Cheadle, Petey becomes an engaging and entertaining character, and I found myself wanting to know more about this figure that I hadn't known before.
Cheadle isn't the only bright spot in the film, Chiwetel Ejiofor, another actor I love (thanks Serenity!)works wonders in his role as Dewey Hughes, Petey's boss and later manager. The acting it top notch, the direction is on point and the editing is seemless. You're taken through two decades of time and only once are you given a cyron of the time period, everything else is indicated by clothes and hair styles.
There's a lot of great stuff in Talk, mostly it's the acting which I was in awe of, there's a great deal of humor as well, including one memorable scene where Petey, back for the second time to interview as the new D.J., has a run in with the station's uptight receptionist. The humor doesn't detract though, from the some of the serious subject matter, including Petey having to broadcast they day that Martin Luther King was assassinated, when a lot of D.C. was burning. It's a touching and moving scene, especially the moment before they all go home and Martin Sheen, playing E.G. Sonderling, the owner of the WOL radio station, is in the hall trying very hard not to cry at what's happened. I didn't cry but I did feel a great sense of loss, which is effective considering I was thirteen years removed from the incident.
I'd have to say that Talk to Me is probably the best film I've seen this year, right above Ratatouille.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix was enjoyable for the most part, I felt it was better than the last time out, the Prisoner of Azkaban. I know a lot of people enjoyed the new direction Azkaban took, especially with putting the young wizards in normal street clothes, but I thought the director tried to cram far too much into it (and I haven't read any of the books) and the editing was sloppily done to get to the main plot but to keep in the little details that you needed to understand it.
Order of the Phoenix doesn't really have that problem, the writer and director choosing to go with the main plot from the beginning (from what I understand of what was left out from the books). Harry is growing older and there is a darker tone to these films, including one jump out of your seat moment at the beginning involving the ghost like wardens of Azkaban. I can really only give my opinion as a lay person, like I said I never boarded the Harry Potter train so I don't know anything about the books (aside from the fact that J.K. Rowling is a very rich woman) but it was a fun escape for two hours.
Though I will say watching Order made me think back to Transformers and the big problem I had with that movie. On one hand you've got people saying, "C'mon, it's a movie about giant fucking robots," and on the other you've got a movie about teen wizards who use spells and say things like "muggle". Harry Potter could have been just as ludicrous of a plot as Transformers but there was an internal logic and reality that was created and the author/screenwriters didn't feel like having a world of magic gave them cart blanche to do whatever the hell they wanted to, unlike Transformers which I still believe treats its audience as if they were too stupid to know better. Potter will most definitely be number one at the box office but I don't doubt Transformers will still be in the top five, it's just good that Harry shows audiences that you don't have to play to the lowest common denominator in order to entertain.
Talk to Me is the story of Ralph Waldo "Petey" Greene, a D.C. radio D.J played by Don Cheadle. I love Cheadle as an actor, and I have since I caught Picket Fences reruns on FX (I will admit I didn't watch Fences when it originally aired on CBS) played wonderfully by Cheadle, Petey becomes an engaging and entertaining character, and I found myself wanting to know more about this figure that I hadn't known before.
Cheadle isn't the only bright spot in the film, Chiwetel Ejiofor, another actor I love (thanks Serenity!)works wonders in his role as Dewey Hughes, Petey's boss and later manager. The acting it top notch, the direction is on point and the editing is seemless. You're taken through two decades of time and only once are you given a cyron of the time period, everything else is indicated by clothes and hair styles.
There's a lot of great stuff in Talk, mostly it's the acting which I was in awe of, there's a great deal of humor as well, including one memorable scene where Petey, back for the second time to interview as the new D.J., has a run in with the station's uptight receptionist. The humor doesn't detract though, from the some of the serious subject matter, including Petey having to broadcast they day that Martin Luther King was assassinated, when a lot of D.C. was burning. It's a touching and moving scene, especially the moment before they all go home and Martin Sheen, playing E.G. Sonderling, the owner of the WOL radio station, is in the hall trying very hard not to cry at what's happened. I didn't cry but I did feel a great sense of loss, which is effective considering I was thirteen years removed from the incident.
I'd have to say that Talk to Me is probably the best film I've seen this year, right above Ratatouille.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix was enjoyable for the most part, I felt it was better than the last time out, the Prisoner of Azkaban. I know a lot of people enjoyed the new direction Azkaban took, especially with putting the young wizards in normal street clothes, but I thought the director tried to cram far too much into it (and I haven't read any of the books) and the editing was sloppily done to get to the main plot but to keep in the little details that you needed to understand it.
Order of the Phoenix doesn't really have that problem, the writer and director choosing to go with the main plot from the beginning (from what I understand of what was left out from the books). Harry is growing older and there is a darker tone to these films, including one jump out of your seat moment at the beginning involving the ghost like wardens of Azkaban. I can really only give my opinion as a lay person, like I said I never boarded the Harry Potter train so I don't know anything about the books (aside from the fact that J.K. Rowling is a very rich woman) but it was a fun escape for two hours.
Though I will say watching Order made me think back to Transformers and the big problem I had with that movie. On one hand you've got people saying, "C'mon, it's a movie about giant fucking robots," and on the other you've got a movie about teen wizards who use spells and say things like "muggle". Harry Potter could have been just as ludicrous of a plot as Transformers but there was an internal logic and reality that was created and the author/screenwriters didn't feel like having a world of magic gave them cart blanche to do whatever the hell they wanted to, unlike Transformers which I still believe treats its audience as if they were too stupid to know better. Potter will most definitely be number one at the box office but I don't doubt Transformers will still be in the top five, it's just good that Harry shows audiences that you don't have to play to the lowest common denominator in order to entertain.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Hippie Funk and Sh*tty Movies
I, like many lemmings yesterday, saw Michael Bay's Transformers. I don't just say I saw Transformers because it's not the Transformers I grew up with and loved. Mind you I know it was a shitty cartoon created to sell a line of toys, but still, it was the shitty cartoon of an entire generation who loved it despite it's shittiness. It's wonderful, campy shittiness. I dare you to find a children's cartoon today that holds up, or is any good. Truth is you probably won't, unless you pick out Transformers Armada, or some other 80s cartoon that's being redone for today's young audiences because the original cartoons they have suck balls, so much so that The Powers That Be are digging through our childhood treasure chest, trying to recreate the magic that made us such rabid fans in the first place.
But I digress.
It's Michael Bay's Transformers, let there be no doubt. But before I get to that, let's talk about hippies.
There's a cool store on Sunset called Amoeba and it sells everything that's music or movie related. Really, you can find yourself spending a crap load of cash in that store as if you were in Wal-Mart. Not that Amoeba is driven by consumerism, though I'm sure that has to play a part, it's just that you can find so many videos you were looking for and most of the time you can get it for cheap. It's also cool that a part of your proceeds will go to some kind of charity, most likely environmental.
Before I handed over my ass to be spanked by Bay I hung out in the store, partly because I was intending to shop and partly because there parking lot is free (when you can get in)and I wanted to save a few bucks from the mandatory cost of parking at the theater structure (1.50 for first two hours w/validation, 1.50 every half hour there after). As soon as i got into the store I was hit with the funk of several unwashed hippies. It only got worse when I got to the second level, where they keep the movies, and there were at least three stinky guys who somehow ended up in the aisle I just happened to be in.
Why is it that the New Agey, anti-establishment, F the Man types fight the hygiene? Really, you grew up in the valley, just because there are flies around you doesn't mean you can identify any more with those Africans you're always talking about. I'm sure they'd appreciate you adding soap to your morning routine just as I would. Body odor is not "hip", it's not "cool" or whatever hippie language you're using now. Oh, it makes you stand out, yes sir're you stand out. But not in the good way. Not in the way that makes me want to hold a conversation with you and your beliefs. You stink. And the only thing I want you to do is get the f*ck away from me. That's why I LEFT the aisle I was in when the video I wanted was right in front of you. I couldn't bring myself to reach across and risk your funk hopping onto me. Do the world a favor and take a nice long bath when you're trying to think of ways to Damn the Man. It'll make you feel better I promise.
Onto other things that stink.
Transformers was good for about ten minutes total and then even for me the wonder of watching giant robots beat the shit out of each other wore off and became redundant and mundane. It wasn't as if the fight were any good either! For the most part, aside from Optimus Prime, Bumblebee and Barricade I couldn't tell who was who when they were fighting. It didn't help that Bay decided we didn't need to see any of the other Decepticons until about twenty minutes before the film ended. You saw TWO and then all of a sudden Megatron wakes up from a thousand years of sleeping and then they put out an all call to the rest of the Decepticons who'd been doing god knows what this entire time. There was a kind of roll call where you saw them saw their names but it really didn't help cause once they transformed they all looked the same. I'm not being racist against the Decepticons, they really did all look alike. It also didn't help matters that they made Megatron a military jet, as well as Starscream and when they were in their non-jet forms you couldn't tell the difference until one of them spoke. I had the same problem with some of the Autobots once the rest of them were introduced. I was pissed to say the least.
There is no story to speak of, though the writers tried to create one by giving us the standard tropes of shitty action pictures: Geeky boy after hot girl? Check. Pretty white boy American solider who wants to get home to his wife and new born baby who he hasn't seen? Check. Fat, loud, black guy who lives with his momma? Check. Idiotic D.C. bureaucrats? Double Check? Realism? Wait..what's that?
I know, trust me, I KNOW that this is a movie about giant alien robots who come to earth and look like cars. I get that. HOWEVER, you could have played at least SOME realism to the way people react to these things, especially Optimus and the rest of the Autobots. They come down to earth and no one seems surprised that there are walking talking 18-wheelers running around. They actually do address that with these horrible Sector-7 guys (it's secret, shhh) when Optimus goes, "You don't look surprised to see us," well Optimus, that's because they've been keeping Megatron on ice since the 1930s, so the fact that there are four more of you now walking and talking freely just isn't that impressive anymore. You're 70 years too late to the party, pal. Go surprise another species.
I mean really, just a few scenes of "oh shit, there are GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS" here on Earth. There would be a myriad of emotions: fear, excitement, curiosity, and yes, even surprise. Even the humans who weren't exposed to Megatron's cold, sleeping body weren't all that surprised that the cars transformed. Shia LeBouf's character does the emotional equivalent of shrugging his shoulders and going "meh". It's like, "Hey, my car's ALIVE, go figure." At least spend a scene of him terrified, and then interacting with Bumblebee on a personal level, ask some questions, poke at him, do SOMETHING aside from playing it off like it happens every other day. I would piss myself with glee if my Toyota Camry turned into a transformer. I also wouldn't go to work for a few days and I'd call my parents.
There were a few honestly funny moments but they were too few and far between. And once Megatron is awake all common sense, human or otherwise (but mostly human) goes out the window and they literally do one of the stupidest things I've ever seen. Let's just say that if you have something Very Important and you need to hide it to get it away from the Decepticons the absolute LAST thing you'd do is take said object into the middle of the FUCKING CITY. Not only that, but once they get it to the city, without ever having specified WHERE they were going to hide it. It was exactly like, "get it to the city and hide it," and none, not ONE person stopped to ask, "Where?" That comes into play later, when the Autobots and Decepticons are fighting it out, with hundreds of people witnessing (and dying) from the carnage, and the pretty boy solider says, "We have to get it out of the city!"
REALLY now? It didn't occur to you BEFOREHAND that that might not have been the best idea to begin with?
So now we come to the battle between Megatron and Optimus and I shake the child in me awake and she rubs the sleep out of her eyes and gets giddy. There are a few good shots of buildings being pummeled from the impact of tons of alien robot smashing into them but over all the fight was 1) way to short and 2) ended TERRIBLY. Optimus didn't even defeat Megatron, Shia did and the child in me cried from the stupidity of it. I honestly don't understand why they couldn't just let Optimus kick Megatron's ass.
Even if there is a sequel, if Bay is at the helm then there's slim to none chance I'll see it. I said I wouldn't see this one but the urge to see Transformers in a real life setting was just too much. What could have been cool, brain dead fun was an excuse for a car commercial.
But I digress.
It's Michael Bay's Transformers, let there be no doubt. But before I get to that, let's talk about hippies.
There's a cool store on Sunset called Amoeba and it sells everything that's music or movie related. Really, you can find yourself spending a crap load of cash in that store as if you were in Wal-Mart. Not that Amoeba is driven by consumerism, though I'm sure that has to play a part, it's just that you can find so many videos you were looking for and most of the time you can get it for cheap. It's also cool that a part of your proceeds will go to some kind of charity, most likely environmental.
Before I handed over my ass to be spanked by Bay I hung out in the store, partly because I was intending to shop and partly because there parking lot is free (when you can get in)and I wanted to save a few bucks from the mandatory cost of parking at the theater structure (1.50 for first two hours w/validation, 1.50 every half hour there after). As soon as i got into the store I was hit with the funk of several unwashed hippies. It only got worse when I got to the second level, where they keep the movies, and there were at least three stinky guys who somehow ended up in the aisle I just happened to be in.
Why is it that the New Agey, anti-establishment, F the Man types fight the hygiene? Really, you grew up in the valley, just because there are flies around you doesn't mean you can identify any more with those Africans you're always talking about. I'm sure they'd appreciate you adding soap to your morning routine just as I would. Body odor is not "hip", it's not "cool" or whatever hippie language you're using now. Oh, it makes you stand out, yes sir're you stand out. But not in the good way. Not in the way that makes me want to hold a conversation with you and your beliefs. You stink. And the only thing I want you to do is get the f*ck away from me. That's why I LEFT the aisle I was in when the video I wanted was right in front of you. I couldn't bring myself to reach across and risk your funk hopping onto me. Do the world a favor and take a nice long bath when you're trying to think of ways to Damn the Man. It'll make you feel better I promise.
Onto other things that stink.
Transformers was good for about ten minutes total and then even for me the wonder of watching giant robots beat the shit out of each other wore off and became redundant and mundane. It wasn't as if the fight were any good either! For the most part, aside from Optimus Prime, Bumblebee and Barricade I couldn't tell who was who when they were fighting. It didn't help that Bay decided we didn't need to see any of the other Decepticons until about twenty minutes before the film ended. You saw TWO and then all of a sudden Megatron wakes up from a thousand years of sleeping and then they put out an all call to the rest of the Decepticons who'd been doing god knows what this entire time. There was a kind of roll call where you saw them saw their names but it really didn't help cause once they transformed they all looked the same. I'm not being racist against the Decepticons, they really did all look alike. It also didn't help matters that they made Megatron a military jet, as well as Starscream and when they were in their non-jet forms you couldn't tell the difference until one of them spoke. I had the same problem with some of the Autobots once the rest of them were introduced. I was pissed to say the least.
There is no story to speak of, though the writers tried to create one by giving us the standard tropes of shitty action pictures: Geeky boy after hot girl? Check. Pretty white boy American solider who wants to get home to his wife and new born baby who he hasn't seen? Check. Fat, loud, black guy who lives with his momma? Check. Idiotic D.C. bureaucrats? Double Check? Realism? Wait..what's that?
I know, trust me, I KNOW that this is a movie about giant alien robots who come to earth and look like cars. I get that. HOWEVER, you could have played at least SOME realism to the way people react to these things, especially Optimus and the rest of the Autobots. They come down to earth and no one seems surprised that there are walking talking 18-wheelers running around. They actually do address that with these horrible Sector-7 guys (it's secret, shhh) when Optimus goes, "You don't look surprised to see us," well Optimus, that's because they've been keeping Megatron on ice since the 1930s, so the fact that there are four more of you now walking and talking freely just isn't that impressive anymore. You're 70 years too late to the party, pal. Go surprise another species.
I mean really, just a few scenes of "oh shit, there are GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS" here on Earth. There would be a myriad of emotions: fear, excitement, curiosity, and yes, even surprise. Even the humans who weren't exposed to Megatron's cold, sleeping body weren't all that surprised that the cars transformed. Shia LeBouf's character does the emotional equivalent of shrugging his shoulders and going "meh". It's like, "Hey, my car's ALIVE, go figure." At least spend a scene of him terrified, and then interacting with Bumblebee on a personal level, ask some questions, poke at him, do SOMETHING aside from playing it off like it happens every other day. I would piss myself with glee if my Toyota Camry turned into a transformer. I also wouldn't go to work for a few days and I'd call my parents.
There were a few honestly funny moments but they were too few and far between. And once Megatron is awake all common sense, human or otherwise (but mostly human) goes out the window and they literally do one of the stupidest things I've ever seen. Let's just say that if you have something Very Important and you need to hide it to get it away from the Decepticons the absolute LAST thing you'd do is take said object into the middle of the FUCKING CITY. Not only that, but once they get it to the city, without ever having specified WHERE they were going to hide it. It was exactly like, "get it to the city and hide it," and none, not ONE person stopped to ask, "Where?" That comes into play later, when the Autobots and Decepticons are fighting it out, with hundreds of people witnessing (and dying) from the carnage, and the pretty boy solider says, "We have to get it out of the city!"
REALLY now? It didn't occur to you BEFOREHAND that that might not have been the best idea to begin with?
So now we come to the battle between Megatron and Optimus and I shake the child in me awake and she rubs the sleep out of her eyes and gets giddy. There are a few good shots of buildings being pummeled from the impact of tons of alien robot smashing into them but over all the fight was 1) way to short and 2) ended TERRIBLY. Optimus didn't even defeat Megatron, Shia did and the child in me cried from the stupidity of it. I honestly don't understand why they couldn't just let Optimus kick Megatron's ass.
Even if there is a sequel, if Bay is at the helm then there's slim to none chance I'll see it. I said I wouldn't see this one but the urge to see Transformers in a real life setting was just too much. What could have been cool, brain dead fun was an excuse for a car commercial.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Movie Reviews: Two For One Again
This weekend I saw Ratatouille and Sicko, both were very good and I recommend them highly.
Ratatouille basically proves that Brad Bird can do no wrong. Everything that man touches turns into a hit. I could sit here and gush about the film, the humor is spot on, I especially loved the little touches, if you payed attention there were small cuts on the chef's hands as there would be for people who work in a kitchen all day. Even the new chef, Linguini, gets a cut on his hands after a few days of working in the restaurant, and it's never mentioned you just catch it yourself. There's a scene where Remy the rat is caught and taken out in a jar to be killed, as Linguini stares down and talks to Remy, Remy is cowering against the glass and you can see his heart pounding, much like you would see with a rodent or a rabbit. I was just impressed with the minute details the animators paid attention to, when they really didn't have to.
The animation is top notch, even down to the movement of the rat's fur and people's hair. I will admit I was kinda shocked by the violence that's in the film. Early on the rats are chased around a house and attacked with a shotgun, later as Remy is escaping through the sewers he runs past an apartment building where a woman is holding a gun on her cheating boyfriend. Even later still is a moment where the female chef Linguini likes slaps him and then threatens to slap him again when she finds out what's been going on. Though I will admit that was a great moment, she doesn't actually slap him but she raises her arm to do it and then thinks it over and you can see the conflict in her eyes. She really really wants to pop him one but she can't bring herself to because by this time she likes him.
The violence isn't really anything to be concerned about, it was just something I was surprised with, probably because I'd never expected the movie to be as mature as it was in presenting character feelings and reactions.
It's also realistic in other ways, especially the ending, but I won't give that away.
Sicko is a whole other matter, and left me kinda pissed for the majority of the film. I realize Michael Moore is a controversial topic and he's not as honest as he likes to present himself, but for the most part he's bringing up topics that the average American would rather not discuss. They'd much rather watch Paris Hilton on Larry King.
Sicko goes over the American Health Care system, or lack thereof. It's basically about how insurance companies and drug companies screw over their customers all the while taking their money as well. It made me ashamed that I even have to pay for health insurance, and worried about ever getting sick.
The one complaint that I have about the film is that Moore does present foreign countries as the land of OZ: perfect. He goes to upper middle class houses in England and France to discuss the extra taxes they have to pay in order to afford free health care, however I know there are slums and ghettos in England and France and wondered how the taxes affected them. It was never even brought up. Though I will admit the thought of moving my family to London or France crossed my mind several times. Perhaps mom and dad wouldn't mind Canada (shhh, don't tell them I said that).
I'd still recommend Sicko, if only so you can know just how much the health care industry hates you.
Ratatouille basically proves that Brad Bird can do no wrong. Everything that man touches turns into a hit. I could sit here and gush about the film, the humor is spot on, I especially loved the little touches, if you payed attention there were small cuts on the chef's hands as there would be for people who work in a kitchen all day. Even the new chef, Linguini, gets a cut on his hands after a few days of working in the restaurant, and it's never mentioned you just catch it yourself. There's a scene where Remy the rat is caught and taken out in a jar to be killed, as Linguini stares down and talks to Remy, Remy is cowering against the glass and you can see his heart pounding, much like you would see with a rodent or a rabbit. I was just impressed with the minute details the animators paid attention to, when they really didn't have to.
The animation is top notch, even down to the movement of the rat's fur and people's hair. I will admit I was kinda shocked by the violence that's in the film. Early on the rats are chased around a house and attacked with a shotgun, later as Remy is escaping through the sewers he runs past an apartment building where a woman is holding a gun on her cheating boyfriend. Even later still is a moment where the female chef Linguini likes slaps him and then threatens to slap him again when she finds out what's been going on. Though I will admit that was a great moment, she doesn't actually slap him but she raises her arm to do it and then thinks it over and you can see the conflict in her eyes. She really really wants to pop him one but she can't bring herself to because by this time she likes him.
The violence isn't really anything to be concerned about, it was just something I was surprised with, probably because I'd never expected the movie to be as mature as it was in presenting character feelings and reactions.
It's also realistic in other ways, especially the ending, but I won't give that away.
Sicko is a whole other matter, and left me kinda pissed for the majority of the film. I realize Michael Moore is a controversial topic and he's not as honest as he likes to present himself, but for the most part he's bringing up topics that the average American would rather not discuss. They'd much rather watch Paris Hilton on Larry King.
Sicko goes over the American Health Care system, or lack thereof. It's basically about how insurance companies and drug companies screw over their customers all the while taking their money as well. It made me ashamed that I even have to pay for health insurance, and worried about ever getting sick.
The one complaint that I have about the film is that Moore does present foreign countries as the land of OZ: perfect. He goes to upper middle class houses in England and France to discuss the extra taxes they have to pay in order to afford free health care, however I know there are slums and ghettos in England and France and wondered how the taxes affected them. It was never even brought up. Though I will admit the thought of moving my family to London or France crossed my mind several times. Perhaps mom and dad wouldn't mind Canada (shhh, don't tell them I said that).
I'd still recommend Sicko, if only so you can know just how much the health care industry hates you.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Two Reviews For the Price Of One
So, I have no life. Let's just get that little tidbit out of the way. This is fact for various reasons, which I'm not going to go into detail here because at some point certain people might actually read this blog. Not that this is anything to be proud of, I'm not, it's rather embarrassing when I think about it so let's just say I have no life and leave it at that.
Because I have no life I never have weekend plans and whatever plans I do come up with I end up doing by myself. I go out to dinner by myself, I go to movies by myself and up until recently I went to gay bars pretty much by myself. Over time I've gotten used to this and for some outings have come to enjoy the company of myself. I am always on time with me, I don't ever complain or bitch about where we're going. But sometimes when I'm in a movie and something cool happens I have no one to turn to, no one to discuss with afterwards. I've discovered a great place to eat by myself, they even have these little two people tables where a lot of people come to eat by themselves, making me less self conscious.
So, on Saturday I had to get out of my apartment. Just had to. I would've gone a bit batty had I not. But where to? LA isn't exactly a place to be running around by yourself. It's either a money issue or a safety issue and the last time I went to a straight bar by myself I ended up getting hit on by an illegal alien who kept asking me to dance, pretending not to understand "No, thanks" every time I said it. I know "no" is the same in English and Spanish buddy, nice try.
The Arclight is a great theatre in Los Angeles that's pretty expensive but when you go there you understand why. There are no annoying commercials before the film, people don't talk during the film and there are no annoying small children in PG-13 and R rated films. Plus the seats are awesome. And they serve liquor at these special 21+ screenings where you can take beer into the theatre. It's great.
So I was going to go to the Arclight, which is also the great place for dinner for one (where the awesome tables are) but that left me to decide what to see at the Arclight. I was going to see Michael Moore's Sicko but that was sold out and I'd seen some of the other films so that left me with the one option I didn't want:
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer.
I didn't like the first one. I didn't see the first one in theaters I waited until a few months ago when it was free on HBO and even then I wanted my money back. It was bad. Laughably bad. Atrociously bad.
I sat at my computer going over other options. I could go to the Grove, where the food would be more expensive and I'd have to wait 45 minutes to get into the Cheesecake Factory or hover around the bar area like a jackal sniffing out an open seat. The film choices were the same as well.
But could I bring myself to do it? I did, in case you were dying of suspense. And to justify it I picked a showtime in The Dome and I capitalize that because The Dome is actually a separate theater altogether from the Arclight, though it's still apart of the same structure and company. I've never been to The Dome so that was my justification: I was going to experience The Dome, NOT to experience Fantastic Four (see what happens when you have no life, people?).
I buy my tickets, print them off and for the next four hours sit and watch whatever crap is on TV. I feel guilty about the purchase, as I do not posses anything that could be described as a "disposable income" but I know my mother will happy that I didn't spend the entire 48 hours inside my apartment, as I have been wont to do.
I get all dressed up for myself and head out, getting there in time to treat myself to dinner. I put in my name and number in my party (1) and the cool thing about Arclight is that they will take the time of your movie, as to make sure they get you seated, fed and out so you don't miss anything. A few minutes later I am lead to my seat and to my horror instead of being placed at a nice two person table I'm seated at a regular, four person table. I can see the two people tables, and I'm tempted to ask for one but the hostess leaves me before I can open my mouth.
Most people don't like to eat alone, for various reasons. Most of the time I don't mind (how can I?) and I've found that when you bring a book or a magazine people don't look at you with as much sympathy cause you're Doing Something instead of staring off into space.
The food was good, as always and I found myself relaxing and enjoying it so much that when I checked my phone I found I had five minutes until my film started. I quickly go the waiter who rushed to get me out of there and he was tipped nicely.
I get to The Dome (which is kinda outside) and discover what all the fuss is about.
It's huge. Like a big, open amphitheater. At the top there is what the name implies, a dome. I was disappointed that the screen was only a bit bigger than standard but it was very spacious and nice.
Onto what I thought of the film: Meh.
I will give it that it's better than the first one but then again how could it not be? It's sad that this was the best that they could do. Three fourths of the casting is great. But for some reason they tried really, really hard to make Jessica Alba look authentically Caucasian and the best way they figured to do this, aside from just going ahead and recasting the damn thing, was to dye her hair super blond and give her uber-Aryan blue contacts.
It. Did. Not. Work.
It was the most distracting thing EVER and every time she was on screen, especially with a close up, I found myself with the burning desire to grab her face and pluck those things right out. Mercifully either the director or writers realized she isn't the best actress in the world so she has very little to do here. Though they do put her in square glasses at every opportunity, as if to say, "Oh shit! Remember she's a scientist too? Yeah, neither did we."
Her plot throughout the film is to browbeat Mr. Fantastic into marrying her, even as the world (literally) hangs in the balance. Every time their failed attempt at a wedding came up I found myself wanting to scream, "Give it up! There's a planet eating cloud coming for Christ's sake!"
Speaking of which,
I am not a FF fan. My dad bought me the videos when I was a kid and I remember them vaguely so I know nothing of Galactus, the giant robot who the Silver Surfer works for. This is probably for the best, as I've had my heart broken enough by Spider-Man three and that was a storyline I knew well. *wipes away tear*
The Silver Surfer was cool, he's silver. He surfs and speaks like a black dude. Nice to know the deep black voice carries on throughout the universe.
There were bright spots in the film, oddly enough every time they happened Chris Evans was on screen. He's not bad on the eyes and distracted from the plot which was about as thin and stable as toilet paper. Having him on screen was like having a shiny object put in front of your face after staring at bricks, "Ooooh, pretty."
I could go on, but the film doesn't warrant any more of my time or energy.
Onto the second review, you lucky dogs.
I have a few people in LA that I hang out with occasional. And today was one of those days. We went out to lunch at this Mexican restaurant they picked and it turned out to be one of the worst meals of my life (see? this doesn't happen when you eat out by yourself). After that we ended up at The Grove to see 1408 which advertises itself as a horror film.
To know me you have to know that I have a thing against PG-13 "horror" films. I don't like them and I think they should never be allowed to be called "horror" as something that is truly terrifying will almost always be for adults. Now, I'm not a gore fiend before you start, I just think that anyone faced with a ghost, or a big ass snake, or a girl crawling around on their floor is going to say "fuck" more than twice and that anything that's actually mentally disturbing will not be suitable for tweens.
1408 is PG-13 but in my quest to get out of the apartment on the weekend and have Something To Do I overlooked this bit of information and decided to join my weekend friend for the outing (and I'd already seen Oceans 13, which was cute).
Watching 1408 only reminded me of why I don't like PG-13 films, they're like dude's who have really small penises and make up for it by lifting weights to make everything else bigger when they know you only came to see the main package. But instead of bulging muscles PG-13 "horror" flicks have pounding soundtracks. The kind you can go deaf from. They know that you won't actually jump when that black cat of a fake scare pops up on screen so they crank up the guitar and the violins to 11 to make sure you flinch, not from an actual fright but because it hurts your eardrums.
And that was pretty much 1408. There was a great first moment with the room radio popping on to the tune of "We've Only Just Begun" which was genuinely creepy but it was the only real scare. The ending was typically ambiguous and didn't help matters so a "meh" for this one too.
I know on the other end of the spectrum we have Torture Porn, where to try and get you to feel scared they show you the most graphic tortures possible without becoming a snuff film. I don't like those either, even though they're labeled as "hard R". It really doesn't take much effort or imagination to come up with torture, humans have been doing it for years.
So that was my weekend. How was yours?
Because I have no life I never have weekend plans and whatever plans I do come up with I end up doing by myself. I go out to dinner by myself, I go to movies by myself and up until recently I went to gay bars pretty much by myself. Over time I've gotten used to this and for some outings have come to enjoy the company of myself. I am always on time with me, I don't ever complain or bitch about where we're going. But sometimes when I'm in a movie and something cool happens I have no one to turn to, no one to discuss with afterwards. I've discovered a great place to eat by myself, they even have these little two people tables where a lot of people come to eat by themselves, making me less self conscious.
So, on Saturday I had to get out of my apartment. Just had to. I would've gone a bit batty had I not. But where to? LA isn't exactly a place to be running around by yourself. It's either a money issue or a safety issue and the last time I went to a straight bar by myself I ended up getting hit on by an illegal alien who kept asking me to dance, pretending not to understand "No, thanks" every time I said it. I know "no" is the same in English and Spanish buddy, nice try.
The Arclight is a great theatre in Los Angeles that's pretty expensive but when you go there you understand why. There are no annoying commercials before the film, people don't talk during the film and there are no annoying small children in PG-13 and R rated films. Plus the seats are awesome. And they serve liquor at these special 21+ screenings where you can take beer into the theatre. It's great.
So I was going to go to the Arclight, which is also the great place for dinner for one (where the awesome tables are) but that left me to decide what to see at the Arclight. I was going to see Michael Moore's Sicko but that was sold out and I'd seen some of the other films so that left me with the one option I didn't want:
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer.
I didn't like the first one. I didn't see the first one in theaters I waited until a few months ago when it was free on HBO and even then I wanted my money back. It was bad. Laughably bad. Atrociously bad.
I sat at my computer going over other options. I could go to the Grove, where the food would be more expensive and I'd have to wait 45 minutes to get into the Cheesecake Factory or hover around the bar area like a jackal sniffing out an open seat. The film choices were the same as well.
But could I bring myself to do it? I did, in case you were dying of suspense. And to justify it I picked a showtime in The Dome and I capitalize that because The Dome is actually a separate theater altogether from the Arclight, though it's still apart of the same structure and company. I've never been to The Dome so that was my justification: I was going to experience The Dome, NOT to experience Fantastic Four (see what happens when you have no life, people?).
I buy my tickets, print them off and for the next four hours sit and watch whatever crap is on TV. I feel guilty about the purchase, as I do not posses anything that could be described as a "disposable income" but I know my mother will happy that I didn't spend the entire 48 hours inside my apartment, as I have been wont to do.
I get all dressed up for myself and head out, getting there in time to treat myself to dinner. I put in my name and number in my party (1) and the cool thing about Arclight is that they will take the time of your movie, as to make sure they get you seated, fed and out so you don't miss anything. A few minutes later I am lead to my seat and to my horror instead of being placed at a nice two person table I'm seated at a regular, four person table. I can see the two people tables, and I'm tempted to ask for one but the hostess leaves me before I can open my mouth.
Most people don't like to eat alone, for various reasons. Most of the time I don't mind (how can I?) and I've found that when you bring a book or a magazine people don't look at you with as much sympathy cause you're Doing Something instead of staring off into space.
The food was good, as always and I found myself relaxing and enjoying it so much that when I checked my phone I found I had five minutes until my film started. I quickly go the waiter who rushed to get me out of there and he was tipped nicely.
I get to The Dome (which is kinda outside) and discover what all the fuss is about.
It's huge. Like a big, open amphitheater. At the top there is what the name implies, a dome. I was disappointed that the screen was only a bit bigger than standard but it was very spacious and nice.
Onto what I thought of the film: Meh.
I will give it that it's better than the first one but then again how could it not be? It's sad that this was the best that they could do. Three fourths of the casting is great. But for some reason they tried really, really hard to make Jessica Alba look authentically Caucasian and the best way they figured to do this, aside from just going ahead and recasting the damn thing, was to dye her hair super blond and give her uber-Aryan blue contacts.
It. Did. Not. Work.
It was the most distracting thing EVER and every time she was on screen, especially with a close up, I found myself with the burning desire to grab her face and pluck those things right out. Mercifully either the director or writers realized she isn't the best actress in the world so she has very little to do here. Though they do put her in square glasses at every opportunity, as if to say, "Oh shit! Remember she's a scientist too? Yeah, neither did we."
Her plot throughout the film is to browbeat Mr. Fantastic into marrying her, even as the world (literally) hangs in the balance. Every time their failed attempt at a wedding came up I found myself wanting to scream, "Give it up! There's a planet eating cloud coming for Christ's sake!"
Speaking of which,
I am not a FF fan. My dad bought me the videos when I was a kid and I remember them vaguely so I know nothing of Galactus, the giant robot who the Silver Surfer works for. This is probably for the best, as I've had my heart broken enough by Spider-Man three and that was a storyline I knew well. *wipes away tear*
The Silver Surfer was cool, he's silver. He surfs and speaks like a black dude. Nice to know the deep black voice carries on throughout the universe.
There were bright spots in the film, oddly enough every time they happened Chris Evans was on screen. He's not bad on the eyes and distracted from the plot which was about as thin and stable as toilet paper. Having him on screen was like having a shiny object put in front of your face after staring at bricks, "Ooooh, pretty."
I could go on, but the film doesn't warrant any more of my time or energy.
Onto the second review, you lucky dogs.
I have a few people in LA that I hang out with occasional. And today was one of those days. We went out to lunch at this Mexican restaurant they picked and it turned out to be one of the worst meals of my life (see? this doesn't happen when you eat out by yourself). After that we ended up at The Grove to see 1408 which advertises itself as a horror film.
To know me you have to know that I have a thing against PG-13 "horror" films. I don't like them and I think they should never be allowed to be called "horror" as something that is truly terrifying will almost always be for adults. Now, I'm not a gore fiend before you start, I just think that anyone faced with a ghost, or a big ass snake, or a girl crawling around on their floor is going to say "fuck" more than twice and that anything that's actually mentally disturbing will not be suitable for tweens.
1408 is PG-13 but in my quest to get out of the apartment on the weekend and have Something To Do I overlooked this bit of information and decided to join my weekend friend for the outing (and I'd already seen Oceans 13, which was cute).
Watching 1408 only reminded me of why I don't like PG-13 films, they're like dude's who have really small penises and make up for it by lifting weights to make everything else bigger when they know you only came to see the main package. But instead of bulging muscles PG-13 "horror" flicks have pounding soundtracks. The kind you can go deaf from. They know that you won't actually jump when that black cat of a fake scare pops up on screen so they crank up the guitar and the violins to 11 to make sure you flinch, not from an actual fright but because it hurts your eardrums.
And that was pretty much 1408. There was a great first moment with the room radio popping on to the tune of "We've Only Just Begun" which was genuinely creepy but it was the only real scare. The ending was typically ambiguous and didn't help matters so a "meh" for this one too.
I know on the other end of the spectrum we have Torture Porn, where to try and get you to feel scared they show you the most graphic tortures possible without becoming a snuff film. I don't like those either, even though they're labeled as "hard R". It really doesn't take much effort or imagination to come up with torture, humans have been doing it for years.
So that was my weekend. How was yours?
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