Review: Dragon Wars

"Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

That apt quote from Billy Madison pretty much sums up how I felt after suffering through the utter shite that is Dragon Wars. I know, I know, I Netflixed a goddamn movie called Dragon Wars for Pete's sake, I got what I deserved. However, when reading the title, and even watching the previews I thought the film was going to be about, you know, FUCKING DRAGONS WARRING.

That was painfully NOT the case. Oh there was a "fight" and I'm being generous in that description, but there was no WAR. And they didn't even really look like dragons, just over grown serpents. I know Korean culture has their own mythology but you'd think they'd at least add, I dunno, legs or wings to the fucking things. Otherwise, it don't get to count.

Because there were no dragon wars in a film titled Dragon Wars, that left plenty of room for Teh Stupid, and yes, "the" is misspelled deliberately in this case. I'm not going to get into all the details of Teh Stupid, only to say that even I was slightly offended that in the beginning there was a Korean prince/warrior who was trying to protect a young Korean maiden, cut to the present and we've got Robert Forester, who, despite his mild resurgence in Jackie Brown, I still recognize as the guy from Alligator. Robert is telling this Korean legend to this little boy and for a moment I'm allowed to believe that this is going to be a Princess Bride style film where grandpa is entertaining the kiddy. That was not the case. What was the case was the absurd notion that grandpa was the reincarnation of the Korean Zen master to the little boy's reincarnation as the Korean prince/warrior. Why the director, who is Korean, did this I will not know but I didn't need another dooey-eyed white boy saves the world story.

And he didn't really save the world. The majority of the plot revolved around him and the reincarnation of the maiden, now a blond, blue-eyed native of Los Angeles, running from the giant snake (I refuse to call it anything else) to a car, the car stalling or getting into an accident, them running some more with the giant snake right behind them and apparently unable to gain enough thrust, despite it's hugeness, to run them down and eat them. They would reach another vehicle, either a car or in one case a helicopter, and something would happen to it and they'd have to get out and run away again. The film did end, thankfully, but I honestly have no recollection of what happened besides the re-incarnated white girl dying, or "ascending", and then a "good" giant snake flying around in the air for no apparent reason as the white boy looked on in awe. Perhaps it was too much shitty for my poor brain and I blocked it out.

You could guess that at a certain point I gave up on this film, and you'd be right. It was an incredible waste of time and I can't believe I re-activated my Netflix subscription for it. Well, at least I have Hitman to look forward to.